What did the dentist call the x-ray he took of your mouth?
A tooth pic.
My father said I missed parts of the lawn when I cut it.
He told me people are respected when they do stand-up work.
My father has always been a wise man so I followed his wishes and became a comedian.
The reason they named a bar a bar and not a fly is because wedding invitations work much better when it’s announced they’re having an open bar.
Police officer: “Your truck is heavily overloaded. I simply cannot let you continue like that. I’m going to have to take away your driver’s license.”
Driver: “You’re kidding me, right? The license can only weigh one ounce, tops!”