misc jokes

Two friends are driving in a car. Phil, from the passenger seat, is yelling instructions.

"You idiot! You were supposed to turn left!"

"Make a U-Turn now! You're going to get lost!"

"OK then, merge left onto the freeway."

"Dummy, you missed the freeway! Now it's going to take forever to get where you're going!" You're hopeless!

"Say, Phil, what's up with that ornery voice?" asks Tom, from the driver seat.

"Sorry, Tom, that's my GPS-WAAS talking."

"What's a GPS-WAA?"

"GPS With An Attitude!"

On one occasion William Howard Taft, in his work as an attorney, took a train to Somerville, about 40 miles north of his home in Cincinnati.

At the end of the day he knew that the policy of the railway was not to stop for just one passenger to board. He therefore sent this telegram: "Stop at Somerville for a large party."

As the train came to a halt, Taft began to board the train, and conductor asked, "Where's the large party?"

Taft, with all of his 335 pounds replied, "I AM the large party."

When A Man and a Woman get a haircut...

Women:
Woman 2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman 1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman 2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman 1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman 2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman 1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Men:
Man 2: Haircut?

Man 1: Yeah.

Someone once said that anything is possible...

So isn't it possible that I will never do anything?