misc jokes

Top ten things you don't want to hear from your real estate agent when you go to settlement on your new home:

1. "I think unexplained crop circles add a unique flair to any home's garden."
2. "Actually, it's only the rear portion of the yard that overlaps the ancient Indian burial ground."
3. "Yes, the last owner did donate the house to the Hells Angels, but I'm told that the judge has ordered them not to come within 50 feet of it."

4. "One bleeding mirror doesn't necessarily mean it's haunted."
5. "Your neighbor has assured me that, technically, they're not 'killer' bees."
6. "Even if there was a full-scale mudslide, it's unlikely that it would reach as far back as your property."

7. "It's quite common for roaches to grow that big even when not in the presence of radioactivity."
8. "Did you know that the punk band 'Grave Robber' holds their practice sessions right next door?"
9. "It's true that they died in the house, but the prosecutor was never actually able to prove it was murder."
10. "You can barely hear the sheet metal factory at night."

A homeowner in the former USSR puts a call in to the plumber to request an appointment to get his toilet fixed. The plumber says hold while he looks it up in his appointment book.

Plumber: Okay, I can be by you on a Wednesday, in 3 years, 7 months, and five days from now.

Customer: Will that be morning or evening?

Plumber: Why do you ask?

Customer: Because the electrician is coming in the morning.

Two women were talking on the phone. "Gilda, I just saw an ad on TV advertising a new weight loss program. It's called 'Your Chance to be Slim'."

"I heard about 'Your Chance to be Slim', Olga, and I know some people who tried it," replied Gilda.

"And how did go for them?"

"Not good."

"So what do you think the prognosis is of ME losing weight on this diet?"

"Slim chance."

Everyone seems to be asking me, "Where do you see yourself five years from now?"

I always answer, "Five years from now, I'll see myself like I always do. In a mirror."