Best Jokes

An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."

"Why not?" he asks.

She answers back, "Because I'm dead."

The husband says, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another."

She says, "No, I'm definitely dead."

He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"

"Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."

When a small village decided to buy a new fire truck, the town council met to decide what to do with the old one.

Randall, an older man, stood up. "Ah think we should keep the old truck," he said. "We can use it for all them false alarms!"

A policeman saw a man dressed in full cowboy garb -- hat, chaps, duster, six-shooters, boots, and spurs -- standing on a street corner in a busy city. He approached the cowboy and asked him his name.

"Call me Tex!" was the cowboy's reply.

"Well, Tex, where are you from, Texas?" the policeman asked.

"Nah, I'm from Louisiana, but I couldn't very well have you call me Louise!"

Two nuns were driving alone out in a rural area. They ran out of gas. Fortunately they could walk to a gas station not far away, where they asked to purchase a can of gasoline.

"I'm sorry, sister," said the attendant, "but all I have for you to carry it in is an old chamberpot." The nuns agreed that this would be fine.

They returned to the car. As they were pouring the gasoline into the tank, a man drove by, stopped his car, and said, "Oh sister, if only I had your faith."