Girlfriend: "Am I pretty or ugly?"
Boyfriend: "You're both."
Girlfriend: "What do you mean?"
Boyfriend: "You're pretty ugly."
The relatives of the family's rich dowager gathered for the reading of her will after her long awaited death.
"Being of sound mind," read the lawyer, "I spent every last cent before I died."
If I lock my keys in my car, all I have to do is call OnStar and they unlock my car.
If the car is stolen, they can lock all the doors and trap the thief in the car.
Whenever my wife tells me she is taking the car to go shopping, I call OnStar and tell them my car has been stolen.
I finally quit drinking for good...
Now I'm just gonna drink for evil.