Best Jokes

Madame Gloria: "Alfred, why didn't you water the garden yesterday?"

Alfred the butler: "It was raining, madam."

Madame Gloria: "Well, that's hardly an excuse, couldn't you have taken an umbrella?"

Husband: “I’ve looked everywhere and I can’t find it.”

Translation: “I looked in one spot and gave up because I’m lost without you.”

A tourist was driving down a deserted road when he came to a sign reading, "ROAD CLOSED. DO NOT ENTER." Looking at the road ahead, he thought it looked passable; assuming the sign must have been a mistake, he continued to drive on.

After driving for another mile or so, he came to a bridge that was out, upon which he turned around and began driving back. As he approached the sign from before, he noticed, written on the back, "I SAY, CAN'T YOU READ?"

Two hikers are walking up a mountain trail when a huge grizzly bear leaps out in front of them and roars. The first hiker gulps and sweats, frozen in fear; the other keeps his presence of mind and calmly advises, "Don't worry, just lie down and play dead and the bear will leave you alone."

"H-h-h-how do you know?" the first hiker asks.

"I read it in a book on wilderness survival."

"B-b-but what if the bear read the same book?"