Best Jokes

Harold: "That singer has a terrible voice. Who is she, anyway?"

Joe: "She's my wife."

Harold: "Well, uhm, uh, I didn't really mean her voice, I meant the awful music she has to sing. Who wrote it, anyway?"

Joe: "I did."

The old lady had a parrot who had never spoken a word in eight years. She had tried everything she could think of to teach him to speak, from reading books, magazines and newspapers to him, playing the radio and TV around him, and inviting friends over for a chat, but nothing ever seemed to change.

One day, the lady was working in her garden; the parrot's cage was right by a nearby window. Suddenly, lo and behold, the parrot yelled, "Look out!"

Unfortunately, the lady didn't hear him and was immediately chased away by a swarm of angry bees. The parrot tsks and shakes his head indignantly. "Eight years she spends teaching me to talk and then I can't get her to listen."

A man goes into a restaurant and orders a cup of coffee. After the waiter brings it to him, the man pours the coffee into the vase on the table, and eats the cup and saucer, except for the handle, which he places on the table. He then orders another cup of coffee; after the waiter brings to to him, he pours out the coffee again, eats the cup and saucer and places the handle on the table again. He does this several times until there's a large pile of coffee cup handles on the table.

As the man finishes eating another coffee cup, he notices the waiter looking at him quizzically. "Why, you must think I'm crazy!" he says.

"Not at all, sir," the waiter replies. "I only wonder why you keep throwing the handle away; it's the best part."

Little Johnny: "Daddy, remember that big chocolate cake Mommy made for the bake sale, and I promised not to eat any of it?"

Dad: "Yes, son."

Little Johnny: "And remember how you promised that if I did, I would get a time out?"

Dad: "Yes, son."

Little Johnny: "Well, now that I've broken my promise, it's probably only fair that you break yours too."