My horoscope said I was going to get my heart broken in 12 years time...
So I bought a puppy to cheer me up.
Ralph took a job with a construction to paint lines on Texas Road 82. The first day he painted ten miles. The boss was very impressed.
The second day he painted two miles. The boss was a little disappointed. The third day he only painted 500 feet.
The boss sat him down and said, "Ralph, how come you paint ten miles the first day, two miles the next day, but only 500 feet today?".
Ralph replied, "Well boss, each day I get farther and farther away from the paint can".
Yesterday at a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little.
"Nervous?" asked the interviewer.
I replied, "No, I always give 110%."
A group of butts is walking. The smallest struggles to keep up.
“Sorry, I’m a little behind.”