Best Jokes

Actual 911 Calls:

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn...I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Damn....
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What where you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the police.

A son challenged his boastful father to a game of golf. The son was determined to beat his father in golf for the first time.

On the very first swing, the father got a hole in one.

“Okay, nice shot dad," said the son, thinking quickly on his feet. “Now I will take my practice shot and then we will start.”

Did you hear about the young lady who was addicted to line dancing?

They put her in a two step program.

Nurse: Your blood pressure is amazingly high. Is your job very stressful?

Patient: Well, I work at a petting zoo.

Nurse: That seems easy enough.

Patient: I determine which animals are too vicious to be petted.