Best Jokes

If a criminal sells illegal tennis rackets on the black market...

Does that make him guilty of racketeering?

Daisy and Bullett, two horses, were talking. "Woe is me!" said Daisy.

"Why so glum, chum?" asked Bullett.

"I really don't feel that down," Daisy replied. "It's just that my owner, Roy, keeps reinforcing affliction and distress upon me. It happens every time we hit the trail."

"I think you're imagining things, " countered Bullett.

"Here comes Roy now, for a ride. I'll prove it to you." Daisy trots off with Roy on his back. They run a half mile or so, then turn around. As they rounded the corner towards Bullett's pen, he heard Roy yell, "Whoa, Daisy, whoa!"

"What'd I tell you?" Daisy shouted to Bullett. "Woe is me!"

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country--if they could find the time--and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.
10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country ... or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not Republicans.
11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
12. The Pensacola News Journal is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something in which to wrap it.

The husband was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He went out to ask his wife what was for supper. She was quite irritated about him sitting in the air
conditioned house all day, so she shot back at him, "Think of me as dead from now on and do what you would do if I was."

So he went back in the house and fixed him a big steak, potato and a big glass of tea. She walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, "So you fixed something to eat? Where is mine?"

He replied, "I didn't fix you anything as I thought you were dead."