Best Jokes

A young missionary on his first term in Africa is out away from camp having devotions in a quiet clearing, as was his custom. This one particular day, while reading his Bible, a lion comes and lies down right beside him, so close that the hot warm smell of his breath is wafting over him. He is, as you would suppose, exceedingly uneasy.

He closes his eyes, praying, but when he opens them he sees another lion approach from the brush. The lion proceeds to lie down on the other side of him.

Convinced as he is that this is a test of his faith, he determines to return to his Bible reading. As soon as he does so, the two lions pounce upon him and devour him.

Moral of the story: Don't read between the lions.

A woman rushes into her house one morning and yells to her husband, "Sam, pack up your stuff. I just won the lottery!"

"Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"

"Whatever. Just so you're out of the house by noon!"

Here's a quick guide to calorie-burning activities that do not require physical exercise, and the number of calories per hour they consume.

Beating around the bush - 75
Jumping to conclusions - 100
Passing the buck - 25
Throwing your weight around - 50-300 (depending on your weight)
Dragging your heels - 100
Pushing your luck - 250
Making mountains out of molehills - 500
Hitting the nail on the head - 50
Bending over backwards - 75
Jumping on the bandwagon - 200
Running around in circles - 350
Climbing the ladder of success - 750
Pulling out the stops - 75
Wrapping it up at the day's end - 12

To which you may want to add some additional activities, including:

Opening a can of worms - 50
Starting the ball rolling - 90
Putting your foot in your mouth - 300

And finally
Picking up the pieces after - 350