Latest Jokes

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; 45 years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "I'm tired of talking about this too, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone, too, and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?"

Little Johnny asks the teacher, “Mrs Roberts, can I be punished for something I haven’t done?”

Mrs Roberts is shocked, “Of course not, Johnny, that would be very unfair.”

Little Johnny is relieved, “Okay, Mrs Roberts, good to know. By the way, I didn't do my homework last night."

This gene pool we have now needs a new life guard!

Freelance newspaper writers don’t get nearly as much attention as writers with regular bylines.

So I was delighted when I finally got some notice. It was at the bank, and I was depositing a stack of checks.

"Wow," said the teller, reading off the names of publishers from the tops of the checks. "You must deliver a lot of newspapers!"