Past Winners

Two women are talking in a park. The first one says, "See my new diamond ring? My husband bought it for me."

The second one answers, "Oh, that's nice! That's really, really nice!"

The first one continues, "And see that shiny new car parked over there? My husband bought it for me."

The second one replies, "Oh, that's nice! That's really, really nice!"

The first one reveals, "And you know that big white house at the top of the hill? My husband is gonna buy that for me."

The second one answers, "Oh, that's nice! That's really, really nice!"

The first one apologizes, "Oh, I'm sorry, here I am, going on and on about myself! Tell me, what have you been up to?"

The second one responds, "Well, I've just completed a course on politeness."

The first one asks, "A course on politeness? Why would you spend time on something like that?"

The second one answers, "Because I used to say, 'Who gives a damn?' but now I say, 'Oh, that's nice! That's really, really nice!'"

If a gang of robbers dove into a swimming pool...

Would that cause a crime wave?

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "no" and mumble a reply.

Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy,' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"

Did you hear about the new surgery kit that lets the patients sew up his own incisions?

It's called Suture Yourself.