misc jokes

Last night I left my dentures under my pillow by accident. The Tooth Fairy must have come by because she left me a pile of Monopoly money with a note saying, "Nice try."

There were two hunters who had never hunted before, so they took a hunters safety course. In this course it was stressed that if you ever got lost in the woods, firing three shots in the air was the universal signal that you needed help.

The very first day of hunting the two hunters became lost. It started to get dark, so one of the hunters said that they better shoot three times into the air so that someone would come help them. They shot three times into the air and waited three hours but no one came. One hunter said that they should shoot three more times. They did so and waited three more hours but still no one came. One hunter said they should shoot three more times and the other hunter said that he could not do so. With that the first hunter asked, "Why not?" The second hunter replies, "I only have two arrows left."

Two friends were walking home after a party and decided to take a
shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of
the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from
the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel,
chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath. "You
scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you
doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

Patient: Every time I sneeze I have an orgasm.

Doctor: Are you taking anything for it?

Patient: Black pepper.