misc jokes

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside, I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My father taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My father taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach has been eaten."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"

13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it from your father when he gets home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My father taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you, do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.

25. My father taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you !"

A man crosses the road from a hospital and enters a bar and immediately asks for three whiskey shots and a beer. The barman pours the drinks and the man swallows each whiskey in one swallow.

The barman is alarmed by this and expresses his concern, only for the man to reply, ”IF YOU HAD WHAT I HAVE THEN YOU WOULD BE KNOCKING THE DRINKS BACK TOO!”

The barman places the beer on the counter and watches the man chug down the brew and asks sympathetically, “What have you got?”

The man places the empty glass down and replies, “An empty wallet.”

Dear optimists and pessimists,

While you were all arguing over the glass being half full or half empty, I drank it!

Sincerely,
An opportunist