misc jokes

Cannibals capture three men. The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes. Then they are each given a final request. The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible. His request is granted, and they poison him. The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family. This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes. Now it is the third man's turn. He asks for a fork. The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork. As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, "To hell with your canoes!"

One day a city bus driver picked up a woman that was carrying a paper bag full of oranges.
There were no empty seats so she had to hang on by a strap in the aisle. After traveling a few blocks the driver had to make a sudden stop.
This caused the woman to almost fall down and several oranges fell to the floor. As she bent over to pick them up she expelled gas making some loud noises. The bus driver remarked "that's right lady, if you can't catch them, shoot them"

Only in America do we chain $2.00 ink pens to the counter but leave our $58,000 cars out in the driveway.

A man went to the Department of Motor Vehicles to obtain a driver's license. On the form they gave him, one question asked if he'd like to be an organ donor. Not really thinking about it, he marked no. The next day, as his friends were looking over his license, one asked him why wasn’t he an organ donor. He simply replied, "I'd like to rest in peace, not in pieces!"