misc jokes

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist” Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex." "But you are not wearing any of those things" replied the artist.

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure
he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for
the jewelry."

Q. How are men like blenders?
A. You know you need one, but your not quite sure why.

One day a genie appeared to a California man and offered to grant him one wish.
the man said:” I wish you'd build a bridge from here to Hawaii so I could drive there anytime"
The genie frowned" I don't know. It sounds like quite an undertaking,” he said. "Just think of the logistics. The supports required reaching the bottom of the ocean, the concrete, and the steel! Why don't you pick something else?"
The man thought for a while and then said, "Okay, I wish for a complete understanding of women- what they are thinking, why they cry. I wish I knew how to make a woman truly happy".
The genie was silent for a minute, then said "So how many lanes did you want on that bridge?"

Two brooms fall in love and decide to get married. At the reception, the bride broom wants to dance with the groom broom. While dancing, the bride broom tells the groom broom, "I want us to have a little whiskbroom." The groom broom replies to the bridebroom, "We can't, we haven't swept together yet."