I have discovered the answer to a question that has been puzzling scientists for hundreds of years. What is the exact difference between a split second and a nanosecond?
My girlfriend and I were getting ready to go to a fancy dinner when, right as we were about to leave home, my girlfriend asked me the question all guys dread. She asked, “Does this dress look bad on me?”
If I had said “no” in a nanosecond, we’d have been out the door. However, since I took a split second before responding, she had to go back up to her closet to change, again.
A mathematician wanders back home at 3 a.m. and proceeds to get an earful from his wife.
“You’re late!” she yells. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the mathematician replies coolly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
After four years of separation, my wife and I finally divorced amicably. I wanted to date again, but I had no idea of how to start, so I decided to look in the personals column of the local newspaper. After reading through all the listings, I circled three that seemed possible in terms of age and interest, but I put off calling them.
Two days later, there was a message on my answering machine from my ex-wife. "I came over to your house to borrow some tools today and saw the ads you circled in the paper. Don't call the one in the second column. That's me."
Woman: "Do you have a greeting card which reads 'You are my first and last love'?"
Store keeper: "Yes ma'am, we do."
Woman: "Perfect! Give me 10 such cards!"