Best Jokes

One Sunday morning, a wife complained of a bad stomach ache and wouldn't be able to attend the church service, so her husband went alone. When he returned later, he had two black eyes!

When she asked what happened, he explained that when everyone rose to sing a hymn, he noticed the lady in the pew in front of him had her dress tucked into her rear end. Well, being ever the gentleman, he figured she wouldn't want to be seen that way, so he reached forward and pulled it out for her. She turned around and slugged him in the eye!

"But," his wife said, "how did the OTHER eye get black too?"

He explained, "When she turned back around, I was still a bit stunned, but I thought to myself she must have wanted it there. So I reached forward and gently tucked it back in."

Your mama is so wrinkled...

She started using Downy's Magic Wrinkle Release as a body cream.

A professor was at a party and became indignant when asked if college professors were absent-minded.

"Professors haven't got bad memory," he declared. "They're not absent-minded. Don't you think I know where I am right now, and don't you think tomorrow I'll know where I was today? Would somebody like to ask me another question?"

"Yes," said another guest. "Is it true that professors are absent-minded and have bad memory?"

"Good!" said the professor. "I knew sooner or later somebody would ask me that question."

You are so boney...

That when you run on the track, all the neighborhood dogs chase you.