Best Jokes

So my life has been in turmoil and one night, before I went to sleep, I asked the universe to fix me...

The universe delivered.

When I woke up, I had been neutered.

Question: What do you get when you mix vodka, orange juice, and milk of magnesia?

Answer: A Phillips' screwdriver.

How can you tell if your wife is being unfaithful?

You move from Chicago to Seattle and you still have the same mailman.

Salesperson: "This is your lucky day! We have a special offer: Buy one, get one free!"

Customer: "No thanks. I don't need two."

Salesperson: "Then give the free one to a friend!"

Customer: "I don't have any friends."

Salesperson: "Then make one with the free item!"