Best Jokes

I was taking a stand-up comedy class but I had to quit...

My teacher was making me feel funny.

A mother firefly was taking her children for a walk near dusk, and they came to a dark woods. "All right, kids," she ordered, "line up, and whatever happens, don't shine your light. There are owls in the forest and they might fly down and eat you!"

The small fireflies did as they were told, with the youngest firefly at the end of the line. As they were moving carefully along, suddenly the mother saw a light far back.

"Stop!" she whispered. "Who lit the light back there?"

"I did," admitted the youngster.

"You heard what I told you," scolded the mother. "Why did you disobey?"

"Well," said the little one, "when you gotta glow, you gotta glow."

Today had to be one of the most humiliating and worst days of my life! I just finished explaining to both my wife and boss why I'm in the hospital ER.

You see, it had been over 40 years since I've jumped on the back of a moving horse. I really thought that it would come back to me as easily as jumping on a bicycle again, but instead, it turned out to be a HUGE MISTAKE! I mean, I just couldn't stop thinking about how I lost my balance and fell over backwards with my right foot still caught in the stirrup while getting dragged around violently and wondering if I was going to die.

As the Doctor was putting in the very last stitch to the back of my head, he mentioned, "You are very lucky to be alive."

"I know, Doc," I replied. "I also thanked God for the fast thinking on the part of the Merry-Go-Round Operator."