I found an ugly creature dead in my son's bedroom. My son said it was an alien brain sucker.
Apparently it starved to death.
The English teacher asks if any student can name two words that don’t belong together in a sentence.
Little Johnny raised his hand, "I know, I know… 'man bun' right?"
What's your favorite book?
My husband's checkbook.
An old man was LYING IN HIS DEATH bed upstairs. His favorite food in the world was chocolate chip cookies. As he lay there, gasping for each breath he was sure he could smell freshly-backed chocolate chip cookies. He crawled out of bed and slowly limped down the stairs. Sure enough, across the kitchen, there was a huge platter of chocolate chip cookies on the table. He finally made it to the table and he reached a shacking hand towards the cookies.
Suddenly, his wife slapped his hand sharply and yelled, "DONT TOUCH THOSE - THEY' RE FOR THE FUNERAL!!!"