Best Jokes

Seven months pregnant, my hand on my aching back, I stood in line at the post office for what seemed an eternity.

"Honey," said a woman behind me, "I had back pain during my pregnancy. I was bedridden for four months because my baby was sitting on a nerve."

Then the man in front of me piped up....

"You'd better get used to it now. Once those kids get on your nerves, they can stay there till they're 18."

Now that I am a senior (citizen, that is) I have everything that I ever wanted as a teenager, only 50 years later.

- I don't have to go to school or work.
- I get an allowance every month.
- I have my own pad.
- I don't have a curfew.
- I have a driver's license and my own car.
- I have ID that gets me into bars and the liquor store.
- The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant.
- And I don't have acne.

Two boys walking along the fence passing the graveyard heard voices. The voices said, "One for me, One for you."

The boys who were truly petrified thinking that the voices were ghouls stealing bodies tried to walk slowly passed and not make any noise. All of a sudden one of the voices said, "Now lets get those two nuts by the fence & we will be done!"

The boys screamed and ran away as fast as they could. Just then one of the two squirrels looked at the other and asked, "I wonder what was wrong with them?"

After the birth of their first child Tom and Sarah decided it was time to write a will and get their affairs in order. They went to a lawyer and outlined for him their ideas about how their estate should be handled.

The lawyer then asked them questions about what medical means should be employed should they become severely injured.

Tom spoke up, "I don't want my life regulated by some machine. I just can't stand the idea of receiving my nourishment from a bottle."

Sarah took Tom's words to heart. When they got home, she cut the TV cord and dumped out all of Tom's beer.