Best Jokes

When people go underwater in scary movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived that situation.
I almost died in Finding Nemo.

• Threw out my back sleeping, and tweaked my neck sneezing, so I’m probably just one strong fart away from complete paralysis.

• The older I get, the more I understand why roosters just scream to start their day.

• You know you’re over 50 when you have ‘upstairs ibuprofen’ and ‘downstairs ibuprofen’.

• I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right, and exercise. But that was four hours ago when I was younger and full of hope.

• We celebrated last night with a couple of adult beverages... Metamucil and Ensure.

• You know you are getting old when friends with benefits means having someone who can drive at night.

A man walked into a restaurant in a strange town. The waiter came and asked him for his order. Feeling lonely, he replied, "Meat loaf and a kind word."

When the waiter returned with the meat loaf, the man said, "Where's the kind word?"

The waiter put down the meat loaf and sighed, bent down, and whispered, "Don't eat the meat loaf."

A tourist is visiting a big metropolitan city when his car breaks down. He jumps out and starts fiddling under the hood.
About five minutes later, he hears some thumping sounds and looks around to see someone taking stuff out of his trunk.

He runs around and yells, "Hey, bud, this is my car!"

"Okay," the man says, "you take the front and I'll take the back."