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Favorite this joke John: What did the bug say to the windshield when he crashed into it?
Fred: I don't know. what?
John: That's me all over you! And do you know what the windshield said to the bug?
Fred: I don't know.
John: Bet you don't have the guts to do that again! Okay, do you know what was the last thing that went through the bugs mind when he hit the windshield?
Fred: No, but I bet it's good.
John: His rear end.
After four years of separation, my wife and I finally divorced amicably. I wanted to date again, but I had no idea of how to start, so I decided to look in the personals column of the local newspaper. After reading through all the listings, I circled three that seemed possible in terms of age and interest, but I put off calling them.
Two days later, there was a message on my answering machine from my ex-wife. "I came over to your house to borrow some tools today and saw the ads you circled in the paper. Don't call the one in the second column. That's me."
When does Christmas come before Halloween and Thanksgiving?
In the dictionary!
Lying on his deathbed, the rich, miserly old man calls to his long-suffering wife. "I want to take all my money with me," he tells her. "So promise me you’ll put it in the casket."
After the man dies, his widow attends the memorial service with her best friend. Just before the undertaker closes the coffin, she places a small metal box inside.
Her friend looks at her in horror. "Surely," she says, "you didn’t put the money in there."
"I did promise him I would," the widow answers. "So I got it all together, deposited every penny in my account, and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."
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