Past Winners

An anesthesiologist has a stock answer to the usual question asked by pre-surgical patients:

“How much will the anesthesia cost?”

“Oh, about $100.00. $1.00 to go to sleep and $99.00 for waking up. Most patients buy the whole package.”

My Granddaughter bought me one of those fancy do everything cell phones for my birthday. She said she'd come over on the weekend and show me how to use it.

The bad thing is I spilled some water on it and feeling horrible I called her up and told her what happened. She told me take out the battery, take out that card thingy dingy and put the phone in rice and leave it sealed in Tupperware over night.

I told her I'd call her back the minute I did all of that. When I called her back she asked what took to long. I told her that I do things the old fashioned way, I don't use that minute rice stuff and it took me twenty five minutes to cook the rice. She asked if I had submerged it in the rice yet and I told her that I had.

She paused for a moment and said, the rice trick doesn't always work. I'm sure it's going to work fine, I call her tomorrow after I get all of that sticky rice off of it tell her the good news.

I had moved to South Carolina from New York and at that time, a vehicle inspection was required to register my car.

I was nervous. My car was in rough shape. I thought of New York State's rigorous inspections. Any number of problems might turn up that would be expensive to fix.

I drove down a country road and found a garage that had an inspection sign. When I told the mechanic what I needed, he circled the car, turned on the lights and honked the horn.

Then he attached a new sticker and asked me for the $3 fee.

I was shocked.

"Is that all you have to do"? I asked.

He answered, "Well, you drove it here, didn't you"?

After boarding and taking off for a long flight over the ocean, the speaker comes on with an important message for passengers.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, we are introducing you today to the latest and newest aviation advancement in history. This plane is flying without a pilot or co-pilot. It is controlled by way of radio from the ground. Sit back and relax and enjoy your flight. Be assured that absolutely nothing can go wrong, absolutely nothing can go wrong, absolutely nothing can go wrong, absolutely nothing can go wrong. ~~~~~~~~~~"