misc jokes

What do you call a Magician without magic?

Ian.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines 5 years ago, you would have $49.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG 5 years ago, you would have $33.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers 5 years ago, you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for the recycling refund, you would have received $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.

And as a bonus... A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that on average Americans drink 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that the average American gets about 41 miles to the gallon!

Jill complained to Nina, "Rosey told me that you told her the secret I told you not to tell her."

"Well," replied Nina in a hurt tone, "I told her not to tell you I told her."

"Oh dear!" sighed Jill. "Well, don't tell her I told you that she told me."

In days of old, when knights were bold, this particular knight was leaving the castle and called one of his squires. "Here is the key to my treasure chest. I will be gone for about a year and I want you to keep it safe until I return. Don't let anyone near my gold."

The knight sets out on the dusty road, armored from head to toe, and takes a look back at his castle. He sees the squire rushing across the drawbridge, yelling, "Stop! Thank goodness I was able to catch you. This is the wrong key."