Best Jokes

I called my mother from the apartment. When she answered the phone, I could hear a noise behind her that sounded like a jet plane taking off. I asked, "Mother, what's that horrible noise?"

She replied, "It's the dishwasher.... your father fixed it."

Camping Tips for All...

- Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.

- A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.

- The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.

- When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.

- Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.

- A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.

- A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.

- In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.

I WONDER where I left my keys?

I WONDER where I put my phone?

I WONDER where I put my money?

I WONDER ......................................?

A farmer was walking in his field. He heard 2 potatoes say, "I only have eyes for you."

The corn plants said, "I have ears and I can hear you."

The potato said, "Don't worry, the daisies won't tell!"

And through the grape vine they all heard a voice say, "Oh, 'peas' be quiet, I am trying to sleep."