Best Jokes

Little Johnny was left to fix lunch.

When his mother returned with a friend, she noticed that Johnny had already strained the tea. The two women then sipped their tea happily while having lunch.

"Was it hard finding the tea strainer in the kitchen?" Johnny's mother asked.

"I couldn't find it Ma, so I used the fly swatter," he replied.

His mother nearly fainted, so Johnny hastily added: "Don't get excited, Ma, I used the old one!"

There is an old fable about a puppy that was vigorously chasing its tail. An old dog saw him and asked, "Why are you chasing your tail so?"

The puppy answered, "I have mastered philosophy. I have solved the problems of our universe, which no dog before me has solved correctly. I have learned that the st thing for a dog is contentment and happiness. I have further discovered that contentment lies within my tail. Therefore, I am chasing it; and when I catch it, I shall have happiness!"

The old dog just nodded his wrinkled head, then replied, "My son, I, too, have paid attention to the problems of our universe. In my own weak way, I have formed some opinions. Like you, I have judged that contentment and happiness are fine things for a dog and that, indeed, happiness lies within my tail. But I have also noticed that when I chase it, it keeps running from me; but when I simply go about my business, it follows after me."

A man leaves a bar, gets into his car and drives away. 200 yards further he's stopped by a police officer.

Officer: "Good evening sir. We're testing drivers for drunken driving. Would you please blow into this machine?"

Man: "I'm sorry, I can't do that. I have asthma. If I blow on that machine I will get out of air."

Officer: "Please come along to the office and we can give you a blood test."

Man: "I can't do that. I have anemia and if you stick a needle in me I will bleed to death."

Officer: "Then you'll have to get out and walk 5 yards along this white line."

Man: "Can't do that either."

Officer: "Why not?"

Man: "Because I'm dead drunk!"

It has been proven that the chances of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.