Best Jokes

I had a vasectomy because I didn't want any kids...

When I got home, they were still there.

My friend Kimberly announced that she had started a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.

“Good!” I exclaimed. “I’m ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. When I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I’ll call you first.”

“Great!” she replied. “I’ll ride with you.”

An accountant got out of bed one morning and complained that he had not slept a wink.

“Why didn’t you count sheep?” his wife asked.

“I did, and that’s what got me into trouble,” the accountant replied. “I made a mistake the first hour, and it took until this morning to correct it.”