misc jokes

My husband and I purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house's lack of insulation. "If they could live here all those years, so can we!" my husband confidently declared.

One January night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost. My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a rather brief conversation, he hung up.

"What did they say?" I asked.

"Well," he muttered, "for the past 30 years they've gone to Florida for the winter."

Signs are not always what they seem...

IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs

IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.

IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.

Two zombies were discussing how they were going to go out and satisfy their appetites.

"I think we need to be a little more authoritative and menacing," Zac said. "These potential victims seem to be taking us for granted."

"I don't know about that," replied Hal. "I think a subdued, common sense approach is the better way to go. That way they're more likely to let their guard down."

"I've listened to you take the polite approach when you get the urge to munch on gray matter," countered Zac. "I don't think that gets the job done."

"How so?"

"Well, for one thing, you DON'T ask your victim, 'Can I pick your brain?'"