Best Jokes

A sign outside of a hotel read:

"Help! We need inn-experienced people!"

One day, these two men we're playing a round of golf. Two women were playing in front of them very slowly. The first guy turns to his friend and says, "Hey, I'm going to to ask those ladies if they mind letting us play ahead."

He begins walking over, stops halfway, and returns, saying, "We've got a problem. One of those women is my wife, the other is my mistress."

His buddy replies, "That's okay, I'll go talk to them."

He walks over and promptly returns. "Well," he says, "looks like we've got the same problem."

The police just pulled me over, he came up to my window and said, “Papers?”

I replied, “Scissors, I win” and drove off.

I think he wants a re-match because he’s been following me for 45 minutes.

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, and then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."