A hog farmer decided to give names to his new piglets. Two of them were always getting into mischief.
His wife asked what names he was giving this pair.
He answered sharply, "Hamfull and Mayham!"
Little Billy: "Mommy got mad at me today."
Little Susie: "Really? Why?"
Little Billy: "This morning she said, 'I wish I had some new clothes. If people came to visit, they'd think I was the cook.' An' I said, 'They wouldn't think that for long if they stayed for dinner.'"
A mother and son where out for lunch at a diner.
The waitress says, "Cops and kids under 5 eat for free!"
Mother discreetly nudges her 6 year old.
The son says, "I'm a police."
What do you call someone who only believes in 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighth-eist.