misc jokes

On a visit to New York, an Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop. The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't notice.

The Englishman says to the Scotsman, "You see how clever we are? You'll never beat that!"

The Scotsman says to the Englishman, "Watch this, a Scotsman is always cleverer than an Englishman."

He says to the baker, "Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!"

The baker gives him the cookie which the Scotsman promptly eats. Then he says to the baker, "Give me another cookie for my magic trick."

The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too. Then he says again, "Give me one more cookie."

The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Scotsman eats this one too. Now the baker is really mad, and he yells, "And where is your famous magic trick?"

The Scotsman says, "Look in the Englishman's pocket!"

What type of person finds it humorous to shower while wearing a raincoat?

Apparently someone with a dry sense of humor!

An airplane pilot had had a particularly difficult flight and a rough landing.

The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile and give them a "Thanks for riding Royal Airlines." But, in light of his bad landing, the pilot had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.

Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why no, ma'am," replied the pilot, "What is it?"

The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk behind off the merry-go-round!