misc jokes

What do you call a hipster with one leg?

A "Hopster"!

After my divorce at age 40, my boss, a 70 year old business owner, approached me to find out how things were going with me and my ex.

I told him it was unexpected and now that I'm going through this, I'm finding out that my brother is also getting divorced, my neighbors are getting divorced, another coworker is also getting divorced.

I said, "I don't know what's going on!"

He told me with a straight face, "You guys are all doing okay getting divorced. The people I know are dying."

Joe and Sue were listening to the Minneapolis weather report at breakfast. The announcer said, "There will be three to five inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd-numbered side of the street." Joe got up from the breakfast table and went out to move their car.

Two days later they heard another radio report, "There will be two to four inches of snow today. You must park on the even-numbered side of the street." Joe grumbled and went out to move their car.

Three days later the weatherman announced, "There will be two to twelve inches of snow today and you must park..."

Just then the power went out and they didn't get the rest of the instructions. "Great," said Joe. "What are we supposed to do now?"

"Aw, Joe" Sue replied, "just leave the car in the garage."

Tonight I dreamt of a beautiful walk on a sandy beach...

At least that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning.