misc jokes

I have decided that I am going to stay a virgin throughout my life...

That way I can set an example for my kids.

There were two young men from the South who loved to fish and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They’d heard about it up in Canada, so they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, “We’re gonna need an ice pick.” So they got that, and they took off.

In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, “We’re gonna need another dozen ice picks.”

Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn’t. He sold him the picks, and the young man left. In about an hour, he was back.

“We’re gonna need all the ice picks you’ve got.”

The bait man couldn’t stand it any longer. “By the way,” he asked, “how are you fellows doing out there?”

“Not very well at all,” he said. “We ain’t even got the boat in the water yet."

The day I immigrated to the United States, I was given an alien ID card that featured a cute photo of me at age 15. Years later, when I went to the courthouse to become a citizen, a clerk confiscated my card.

"What will you do with it?" my wife asked.

"We burn it," was the answer.

"Could you please cut the photo off and let us keep it?" asked my wife.

"Certainly not," said the clerk. "This card is official U.S. government property. As such it cannot be mutilated before it's destroyed."