misc jokes

A man on his deathbed is telling his friend his final wishes.

Man: "I have two final wishes."

Friend: "What are they?"

Man: "First, I'd like my remains scattered over Disney Land."

Friend: "And second?"

Man: "Second, I don't want to be cremated."

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all times. The engineer chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter.

The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power over space. The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols. The mystic chose the thermos bottle.

"Why a thermos bottle?" the others asked.

"Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer."

"Yes -- so what?"

"Think about it," said the mystic reverently. "That little bottle -- how does it know?"

What do you get when you cross a banana with a red silk dress?

A pink slip.

I don’t know who needs to hear this...

But if your going through a rough time...

Don’t cut your bangs!