misc jokes

As a teenager I had a summer job pumping gas. One week an older guy drove up and said he wanted a fill-up. Then he got out of the car with an umbrella, opened it, and followed me around as I worked, holding the umbrella over my head to keep the sun off me. I awkwardly thanked him as he paid his tab and drove away.

A week later, he came back for a fill up. Again, he got out of the car with the umbrella and opened it, but this time he just stood there watching me work. I asked, “So you’re not gonna use that to keep the sun off me this time?” and he retorted, “Watch it, young man. Fuel me once, shade on you. Fuel me twice, shade on me!”

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 30 years without parole!

Man, that was a long sentence!

I stayed an a little country cottage during my spring vacation; my landlady kept animals.

On the first day, one of her chickens died, so we had roast chicken for dinner.

On the second day, one of her pigs died, so we had honey baked ham for dinner.

On the third day, one of her sheep died, so we had lamb chops for dinner.

On the fourth day, her husband died, so I left before dinner.

A man was walking through an old mansion in the middle of the night when he met with a ghost.

"I have been traveling through these corridors for 300 years," the ghost said.

"In that case," the man replied, "can you show me the way to the bathroom?"