misc jokes

I was at a tanning salon the other day and noticed a customer running off without paying...

I heard the cashier yell out, "You better get back here or I'll tan your backside!"

What did the mortician say when his assistant suddenly quit on him?

"Go ahead, it's your funeral!"

A hiker fell off a cliff and was hurt so badly he had to be air lifted to the hospital. They were wheeling his gurney to the emergency room when a nurse asked, "Are you allergic to anything?"

The man answered, “Heights.”

Three men appear in court, on charges of drunk and disorderly conduct in a public park. The judge asks the first defendant, "What were you doing?"

"Oh, just throwing peanuts in the pond."

The judge asks the second gentleman, "And what were you doing?"

"I was throwing peanuts in the pond, too."

"Sounds harmless," says the judge. He turns to the third person, "And you, were you throwing peanuts in the pond as well?"

"No, sir. I AM Peanuts!"