misc jokes

A man comes up to the owner of a lumberjack business and says, "I need a job and I think I'm pretty good."

The owner replied, "Okay, show me what you can do, chop down that redwood over there." The man said okay and left. Five minutes later he came back and was done.

The owner was shocked and asked, "How did you chop that tree down so fast?"

The man said, "I got a lot of practice in the Sahara."

The owner replied, "You mean the Sahara desert?"

"Yes," he said, "or at least that's what they call it now."

I met a Black Jack dealer and asked if she had any advice...

She said, "Yeah, don’t play!"

Two residents of the town voted the dumbest city in the United States went to the local library to find out the origins of this dubious honor. Pouring through the original charters and reproductions of documents on microfiche, they came to some stunning conclusions.

"They didn't even know how to plot out the parcels of land to establish the city limits," said Tom.

"And the first mayor didn't even graduate from high school," added William.

"Looks like they wrote out the township's constitution on toilet paper," Tom remarked.

"Yeah, and look at the picture of the first city council. Who drew question marks above their heads?" asked William.

"It seems like right from the beginning, stupidity was the order of the day." Tom lamented.

At the next council meeting Tom and William went before the citizens and told them everything they had learned about how their city had its initial beginnings. Needless to say, the town was dumbfounded.

My girlfriend’s father wants her to marry a man of means. He said he would give me her hand in marriage if I can afford to burn ten thousand dollars as if it were nothing.

Without hesitation I wrote a check for ten grand and burnt it right before his eyes.

I’m still single.