misc jokes

Don't ever hit a guy with glasses, you could get sued...

Instead, try hitting him with paper cups...

It won't hurt him, but at least you made your point.

A guy is doing some handyman work at a house. Across the room is a large gray parrot on a perch. The family dog comes into the room and jumps up on the couch. The parrot says, “Get off the couch!” and the dog jumps down immediately.

A small child comes into the room with toys and the parrot says, “Go to your room!” and the child picks up his toys leaves without hesitation.

The guy turns to the parrot and says, “I’ve never seen anything like that before."

The parrot looks at the guy and says, “Get back to work!”

A customer to the bartender, as he tries to convince him that he is not drunk... "I feel more like I do now than I did when I came in here!"

My grandfather invited me to pick pine nuts with him. We went to the same place he took me jack rabbit hunting as a kid. He told me when the nuts get ripe, the cones opens up and they fall on the ground. He said all we have to do is pick them up.

After a few hours of picking I said, "Grandpa, do know the new technique they use these days sort out the best ones?"

He said, "No, what is it?"

I said, "You put them in water and if they float they're not going to taste so good!"