misc jokes

I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide detector today.

The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

This is the best weight loss diet...

If it taste good, spit it out!

Every Sunday afternoon a mother found a candy bar wrapper in her young sons room. She finally had to ask, "Johnny why do I find a candy bar wrapper in your room every Sunday after church?"

He answered by saying that God gave him the money and he used it to buy a candy bar. The mother quickly replied, "God gave it to you? How did this happen?"

"Well mom, you give me a dollar to give to God. So before church every Sunday I throw it up into the air. I figure if God wants it he'll take it. If not, it will fall back down to me."

A company offered tours through the historic district, led by guides dressed in Colonial clothing. While leading a group, one of the guides, tripped and fell, breaking his wrist.

He went to the hospital, and as he sat waiting in the emergency room, a policeman walked by. Doing a double take at him in his 18th-century garb he asked, "Just how long have you been waiting?"